They’ve done everything that’s been asked of them — often even more than that. They have worked hard in school, on the athletic fields, in their communities, in practice rooms, on stage, and in the lab. And, despite all of that, the answer is “no.”

Seeing your child not achieve something that they truly gave their all can be one of the hardest jobs of a parent, for often, the parent feels the sting as well.

So how do you coach a student through a college rejection?

Don’t say too much. We’ve found that the best response to a student who has received a rejection is “it’s their loss.” Hopefully, they know that you think they are fabulous, and deserving, and were ripped-off. Those sentiments can come later.

Make sure they know that you are proud of them. We’ve had many students tell us in confidence that they worry their parent is embarrassed by the admission decision, and therefore of them. So, the best message, for now, is “we are just as proud of you after this decision as we were before it.”

Don’t try to figure it out. Years ago I had an Ivy League admission officer friend tell me, “No one gets in before coffee.” I chuckled, but she was serious. She’d been keeping a tally in admission committee. The number of students admitted before the coffee cart came in around 9 a.m. was abysmal. A “no” can simply mean that you were one of the unlucky ones in the queue.

Let it go. Don’t let a rejection define you — or them.