It was in early September that I received a panicked call from the mother of a college freshman. She was in desperate need of some advice. After two weeks at her “dream school,” Abigail was headed home.
During high school, Abigail had increasingly felt out of place. The risky behaviors of her peers had isolated her from them and, through a friend, she discovered a church community in which she felt at home. But in the classroom, among her peers, and even at the dinner table, Abigail was questioned and doubted and challenged to defend her beliefs. Her pledge to abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and pre-marital sex, and her commitment to weekly Bible study, made her a unicorn in her liberal New England community.
When Abigail was ready to look at colleges, she went to the Princeton Review’s list of Stone-Cold Sober colleges, did her research, and applied to her top five. Armed with stellar grades, test scores, and extracurricular activities, she was admitted to them all.
Arriving on campus that next fall, however, something felt off. It took Abigail a short time to figure it out, for she knew that she was exactly where she wanted to be, among people that were just like her. Her classes were great, her peers accepting and warm. But there, Abigail wasn’t Abigail.
“I quickly came to realize that a huge part of my identity came from being challenged, from being questioned, from having to defend my worldview. I knew that I would be too comfortable there, and I knew that I would fail to grow as a person if I were too ensconced in my comfort zone.” I encouraged Abigail to tell that story in her subsequent applications, which she did.
One year later, Abigail reached out again. She was blissfully happy at her new college. She didn’t regret the journey she had taken, for she had learned a lot about herself. “I’m still in touch with my suite-mates from that first year, and they all have had an amazing experience. They’ve grown and changed in wonderful ways. It was a great school for them, but not the right place for me.”
When asked what she might have done differently, she paused and then said, “My advice to students choosing a college is to do something scary. That means something different for each of us, but failing to step out of your comfort zone can become boring pretty quickly. My journey had a lot to do with faith, but doing something scary can mean lots of different things to different people.”
As college advisors, we often talk about the college admission process as a time of self-reflection. Making the final choice about where to attend is no different. We encourage our students to think long and hard about where they will feel comfortable and where they can be pushed. To us, Abigail’s advice makes a lot of sense. Think back on the times when you’ve grown and changed and matured the most. Almost always, it has been when you were challenged and surmounted an obstacle.
As her advisor, Abigail’s wisdom was an a-ha moment for me, and something that I share every year with students that are struggling to decide where to attend college in the fall. Do something (appropriately) scary!!
We have seniors looking forward to meeting new classmates with diverse perspectives or traveling abroad for their first semester (or all four years); some are selecting a school that their friends have never heard of or are embarking on academic journeys that will test them in all the best ways.
Congratulations 2023!